Last Action Hero (vengeance_is_me) wrote in theentertainers,
Last Action Hero
vengeance_is_me
theentertainers

Paige Maguire - Internet Hellian

There are two constants on Livejournal - biscuiteater hates whatever you deem interesting and Everybody Loves Paige. 9 out of 10 emofucks agree - Paige's entries are worth putting down the razor for (albeit temporarily). She brings her undeniable style and rapier wit with her everywhere she appears and the world always seems a bit colder after she departs. Paige's celebrity is even beginning to rival that of Chuck Norris in internet lore. I'm as much to blame for it as anyone, being a longtime barnacle on the hull of her majestic internet yacht, singing her praises to all that would listen, but I can no longer live a lie. It's time everyone knew who Paige really is.

Paige is a pro-bono kitten abortionist, Nazi sympathizer, and Mets fan. She kills indiscriminately with a vigor that would have made Uday Hussein blush. Her entire image is just a cultivation of other personalities she has studied while weaving an elaborate personal tapestry of fabrications and half-truths. There is no Paige, there is only Zuul. This isn't some half-baked agenda of rage on my part - I'm willing to let the facts speak for themselves:

* Paige once fired Jesus from a contracting job on Christmas - his birthday.
* Paige had an on-going bet with Wilt Chamberlin on who could bed the most women. Paige won by a margin of the entire country of Brazil.
* Paige has slept with multiple members of OPEC in attempts to convince them to drive the price of gas up even further.
* Paige sided with Metallica when they were shutting down Napster.
* Paige decided to birth a child just so she would have someone shorter than her to dangle toys above, just slightly out of their reach.
* Paige spearheaded the war in Iraq just to get her husband out of the house
* Paige routinely goes to hardware stores to pick-up day-laborers. She then immediately drives them to the nearest border patrol station and notifies the officers to release the attack dogs.
* Paige embeds malicious spyware into each of her customized web-designs that blocks access to any blog that receives more traffic than paigemaguire.com
* Paige makes her son and dog battle daily for her table scraps - their sole source of nutrition. Her diet consists entirely of tortured souls.
* 73% of all internet traffic is porn-related, the other 27% is directly correlated to comments on Paige's livejournal. 42% of that porn-traffic is dedicated to people masturbating to Paige's comment replies.
* Paige is actually Keyser Soze

If you're still not convinced, there's been documentation throughout history of Paige facilitating or participating in the dirtiest of dastardly deeds. Don't believe us? Look for yourself:


Opposed to popular belief, Paige did not shoot President Lincoln while donning a John Wilks Booth mask, but she did see the assassination coming and didn't even warn the president. She was overheard saying, "Watch this part, Mr President, it's my favorite. Just don't look behind you, or else you might miss it." He didn't miss it, that's for sure.


That's right, she's the one that pushed the iceberg into the path of the Titanic. She's also the one that drowned Leonardo DiCaprio. SHE'S king of the world, bitch.


Most people have instances where they're faced with a dilemma and an angel and a devil will appear on their shoulders, verbally duking it out over how to handle the situation at hand. But one when one is as evil at Hitler, it's a tad different. There's no angel and devil, it's the devil and his most feared opposition: Paige.


To save face, Paige convinced lapdog Lyndie England to have her face digitally layered over the one you see here. England faced ridicule, a dishonorable discharge from the service, and has become the butt of every cigarette-dangling picture on the internet. What you might not not know is, all the men in the pictures were the 72 virgins promised to Paige by Alla.

This notification and warning has been brought to you by shamroq and vengeance_is_me. If we somehow happen to "disappear", you know what happened. Goodnight, and good luck.
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